Life Update: the much needed interval

It's almost the end of an academic year and time has gone by so quickly that I am still here, awestruck, trying to interpret what has already turned into history. I've been meaning to scribble for quite some time but college life decided to be too eventful to offer me some spare minutes for myself, to pour my heart out. Here, my corner of the internet, a place it feels obligatory to return to. It sometimes suck having a life and too much to catch up on because I am so used to having the days where I don't have a lot that is capturing and consuming all of me. I sound unreal, cringing at what I've been longing for--an eventful college life. They said it right, we're  ungrateful. Unappreciative freaks unaware of what we truly want, because everything we wish for eventually turns monotonous and not worth cherishing anymore. Anyhow, I could rant all my life so I'll just jump to the recounting the expedition that is college life. Where do I begin from?
Before stepping into this high school, that was waiting to gobble me down, I didn't feel all too normal and the mere thought of a whole new place scared and excited the crap out of me. And I kid you not, not much has changed since then because, even after adapting to the new atmosphere and going to the same place for about twelve months now, I still feel the same chills and everyday overwhelms me like crazy. Each day comes off mysteriously to me because more than often, I am puzzled as to what will befall me now. It sounds ridiculous but really, now that I look back to the past couple of months, everything seems like turning into a blurred memory, dissolving in a void that's uncanny.
I hate to admit but I've evolved in numerous ways. If I were to describe myself, I’d begin with pointing out that I’m five foot, three inches tall, on a good day. But sometimes, I feel shorter as the anxiety is weighing me down. I have deep, dark brown eyes that take in more than they can really see. They remain hidden behind the thick rimmed glasses for they, themselves, wish not to be seen. I feel I've turned into a bold young woman who's apparently always all set to tackle whatever comes in the way, ever ready to meet new people and experience things beyond her wildest imagination but on days like today, when I tuck myself under the blanket as I feel both, too much and nothing at all, and the realization hits me that I've had enough. Besides being exhausted, I'm frightened. If you ask me my name, I’d probably stumble over just like I'd stumble over everything else right now. They say debating and public speaking are my forte but all I know is that words seems to curl my tongue. They'll calmly do wonders at the tips of my pen but are dying a slow painful death as soon as they cross my lips. I would gladly give up my mouth for a bigger brain and I'm sure my brain has a mouth of its own which speaks more sense when I try not to think at all. As for the fearfulness, it ended up instilling itself gravely into me after the roller coaster journey I took. It started when I cleared the entrance test and qualified the interview, only to figure out soon how much I'll dread and cherish it. Simultaneously.
From becoming a part of the student council to having everyone think of me as an arrogant bitch and later accepting me as the sweetest cupcake, or the other way round for some, from bunking and walking around the corridors all day long to not leaving a single stone unturned to get myself into deep shit, from developing strongest bonds and partying until I want to puke my organs out to bringing back victories to college and having the time of my life, from ending up with phone confiscation for over a MONTH and falling on the verge of suspension to finally having--and pretty much winning--the first actual cat fight of my life, I have certainly ticked off a lot on my to-do list. What obviously follows are small talks, casual chatters, constrained tittle tattles, heart-to-heart conversations and giving scandalmongers a reason or two to occupy themselves with. I'd be lying if I claimed to enjoy the attention as I've gotten too much to embrace now and at this point, it's nothing but choking me. Right now, a bittersweet clutter lies around me--a mess of choices I've made, one action begetting another, unseen forces leading me, rubrics and rhymes, heartfelt words and long warm hugs, of bitten nails and sharped claws, tiny prayers and gentle strokes, of natural gushing, A+ grades and self pity, flipped tables and never ending drama, stagnant regrets and drained passion, and of thrill and naive spirits.

Comments

  1. Woah. You're really good at this ._.

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  2. Wow. This is really deep. It's kinda of interesting for me since I'll be starting college this fall. Fun to read through someone else experience through it.

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  3. i think its less ungratefulness and more to do with the dichotomies that rule our life; the yin and the yang, although, in our case, the sublime tends to become the mundane. once it reverts to being the other way round, ascension begins; or maybe not. whom am i to say, other than enjoy and prosper. and not self-mutilate. do you?

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  4. Bit less farigh funterJune 16, 2014 at 7:53 AM

    on a separate note, how many years did u need for school? how many years for college? how many more to go to finish university? after that, how many years before you finish working? enjoy the absolute finiteness of what is for after that beckons which won't end till you do

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  5. You're in college? You look like a mother of two.

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  6. http://affanarshad.blogspot.com/

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  7. Thank you guys!

    Farigh funter, ahhhh. Just what I needed to hear.

    Sidra, I don't know how to respond to that. Lol

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