Beloved Beach

4:00 am of this summer night
at the edge of an ocean as I pen this down
I lay under the bare sky,
a thick blanket of glistening stars
hovering above me,
watching me sneakingly
just as I tend to watch over you

but right now, I don't remember you.

hundreds of miles away from home,
I can't help but detach myself
from all those things that ever felt like home
little did I know that, home,
of all things, terrifies me the most

home, it makes sick to an extent
where I find joy in plucking its bits off me
the thoughts of you,
the thoughts that never left my mind,
the thoughts that I lost my sleep over,
hopelessly slip away.

and I,
I let them.
I allow the ever rising rage within me to crash
with the waves that hit my feet
I am already breaking loose the strings
that think they can enslave me,
I promise you that I am weakening the powers,
that yearn to see me bend before them

can I make this home instead?
can I call this a love affair?
I could get used to the waves
that soften as they kiss my toes,
the sun that sets before me
painting shades--pink, purple, orange, beige
only so I stop and stare a little longer
with every step,
my feet slowing sinks into the grains
as if the earth can't let go of me

as if it has recalled its long gone child

below my sole lies the the silky carpet
thoroughly beaten to perfection
gloomy with captured ocean
pale with salty sprays
minuscule grains of shell dancing beneath
I wander in with the waves
frothing and furious, rabid and foaming
allowing the tides to take me deeper. 

quickly ducking underwater,
wetting my hair, my face, my body
god knows how much I longed to be floating weightlessly here,
even if it meant to have the salt linger on my tongue
where the taste of you was planted
I'll take in all the breeze
pulling into the strands of my hair
you loved to tuck behind my ear
I'll let the morning sun to run through my face
where only giggles with you lived

my head is spinning
my feet submerged
the waves rushing, rising, roaring
the little voice in my head shut
my stomach did somersaults
my heart could have halted 

for tonight I am here,
you wouldn't tie my throat in knots
you wouldn't take my breath away
I inhale in the beach air
and it could be my demise
I am captivated, collided
I am lost, I am found.